I hate when people see me at the super market & they are like “Hey what are you doing here?” and I’m just like: “Oh you know, hunting elephants.
10 FUN FACTS 1. You can’t wash your eyes with soap. 2. You can’t count your hair. 3. You can’t breathe through your nose, with your tongue out. 4. You just tried no. 3 6. When you did no. 3 you realized it’s possible, only you look like a dog. 7. You’re smiling right now, because you were fooled. 8. You skipped no. 5 9. You just checked to see if there is a no. 5 10. Share this with your friends to have some fun too!
See, it doesn’t hurts! So why does mommy always cries when she steps on it???
You need only two tools in life: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and it shouldn’t, use the tape.
Due to the confidentiality of my job I don’t know what I’m doing!
I’ll love you forever, lol just kidding, i can’t live that long.
I realize that humor isn’t for everyone. It’s only for people who want to have fun, enjoy life, and feel alive. – Anne Wilson Schaef
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool that first said: “Quit while you’re ahead?
He was not handsome, and his manners required intimacy to make them pleasing.- Jane Austen
BENEDICK: That a woman conceived me, I thank her; that she brought me up, I likewise give her most humble thanks. But that I will have a recheat winded in my forehead or hang my bugle in an invisible baldrick, all women shall pardon me. Because I will not do them the wrong to mistrust any, I will do myself the right to trust none. And the fine is, for the which I may go the finer, I will live a bachelor. ― William Shakespeare
It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawn mower, snowblower and vacuum cleaner. -Ben Bergor
Graduation speeches were invented largely in the belief that college students should never be released into the world until they have been properly sedated.”
Have no fear of perfection – you’ll never reach it.- Salvador Dali
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments.- Jim Morrison
I’d much rather be a woman than a man. Women can cry, they can wear cute clothes, and they’re the first to be rescued off sinking ships. – Gilda Radner
Women are like cell phones. They like to be held and talked to, but push the wrong button, and you’ll be disconnected. -Unknown
People like you are the reasonPeople like me need medication. — Cheyenne McCray
When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun’.― Groucho Marx
Anyone seen in a bus over the page of 30 hasbeen a failure in life.
There are two different kinds of people in this world:those who finish what they start,and – Brad Ramsey
I’m not a one in a million kind of girl. I’m a once in a lifetime kind of woman.
A sense of humor makes a MAN handsome.