If you’re a cowboy and you’re dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine. – Jack Handy
“Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself:”Mankind.” Basically, it’s made up of two separate words – “mank” and “ind.”What do these words mean? It’s a mystery, and that’s why so is mankind.”
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you’ll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy. – Jack Handy
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is “God is crying.” And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is “Probably because of something you did.” – Jack Handy
Some people are like slinkies They don’t really have a purpose. But they still bring a smile to your face When you push them down the stairs. – Jack Handy
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it. – Jack Handy
If you’re robbing a bank, and your pants suddenly fall down, I think it’s okay to laugh, and to let the hostages laugh too, because come on, life is funny. – Jack Handey.