When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, ‘Did you sleep good?’ I said ‘No, I made a few mistakes.
Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
– Steven Wright
I went to a general store but they wouldn’t let me buy anything specific. – Steven Wright
I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone. – Steven Wright
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.– Steven Wright
Sponges grow in the ocean. This bothers me. How deep would it be if they didn’t?- Steven Wright
I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly. – Steven Wright
My neighbor has a circular driveway… he can’t get out. – Steven Wright
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It’s in the apartment somewhere. – Steven Wright
What’s another word for Thesaurus? – Steven Wright
When I die, I’m leaving my body to science fiction. – Steven Wright
When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules? – Steven Wright
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.- Steven Wright
Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff. – Steven Wright
You can’t have everything. Where would you put it? – Steven Wright