Steven Wright Quotes

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When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, ‘Did you sleep good?’ I said ‘No, I made a few mistakes.

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

– Steven Wright

I went to a general store but they wouldn’t let me buy anything specific. – Steven Wright

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone. – Steven Wright

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I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.– Steven Wright

Babies don’t need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach… it pisses me off! I’ll go over to a little baby and say ‘What are you doing here? You haven’t worked a day in your life!– Steven Wright

Sponges grow in the ocean. This bothers me. How deep would it be if they didn’t?- Steven Wright

I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly. – Steven Wright

My neighbor has a circular driveway… he can’t get out. – Steven Wright

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It’s in the apartment somewhere. – Steven Wright

What’s another word for Thesaurus? – Steven Wright

When I die, I’m leaving my body to science fiction. – Steven Wright

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules? – Steven Wright

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.- Steven Wright

Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff. – Steven Wright

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it? – Steven Wright

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Steven Wright Quotes

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