The problem is not the problem. the problem is your attitude about the problem.
Do you understand?
-Captain Jack Sparrow
3 am phone call..”hey are you asleep??”
…”No I’m Skydiving”..
We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police.
Yes officer i did see the speed limit sign, i just didn’t see you.
If you have something stupid to say, please raise your hand’ and put it firmly over your mouth!!
Dear millionaires, if you don’t have a bookshelf that spins into another rooms give me your money because you’re spending it wrong.
Dont like me? Cool, I dont wake up every day to impress you.
The only reason i,m fat is because a tiny body Couldn’t store all this personality.
Follow your heart
But take your brain with you.
Raisin cookies that look like chocolate chip cookies are the main reason I have trust issues.
Facebook in real life
hi friend! – Poke!
Sorry, I can’t today.
My sister’s friend’s mother’s grandpa’s brother’s grandson’s uncle’s fish died. and yes, it was tragic.
“Did you just fall?”
“No I attacked the floor.”
“I’m freaking talented!”
I don’t have a bad handwriting. I have my own font. :))
I am a ninja, no, you’re not, did you see me do that? do what? “exactly”
My first black Friday
Relax we’re all crazy it’s not a competition!
Life boils down to four bottles…
Shit… I’m already in the third one…
I’m still waiting for the day that i will actually use in real life.
Funny or Die Quotes
Top 50 Funny quotes – part 1
Top 50 Funny quotes – part 2